Sunday, January 11, 2009

matri capped Iyer Grooms

This time I want to write about the very large of young men being not able to find a suitable girl, who is willing to marry them. One of the reasons for this is the skewed sex ratio. Possibly there are only 90 girls for every 100 boys in the community. This would automatically mean that ten boys out of hundred would not be able to find a wife. This is further complicated by the fact that more Iyer girls enter in to love marriages than boys, which further depletes the number of available girls. There are two more major problems standing in their way. One of them is the fact that the iyer girls are extremely intelligent and are able to get themselves not only highly qualified but also well employed and the other is the fact that most of the parents of the present generation insist on horoscope matching. In some cases (possibly one or two percent), there is a distinct possibility of not getting horoscopes match with yours.
I am coining the word matri capped individuals as those who find the problem of getting a suitable partner extremely difficult. The following are some of the matri capped groups of boys:-

1. Grooms who are not graduates.
In the iyer community most of the boys and girls become graduates without much trouble. Some of them, for reason not known to me, find it very hard to pursue their studies. Most of them some how complete matriculation and a few of them complete the pre University course. There is a small percentage who stop their education here.
This group of people find it very hard to get suitable partners. Even if they locate a girl who has completed only matriculation or pre university, she reuses to marry any one who is not a graduate. Very many parents of this type of matricapped boys approach me and tell me, “ We do not have any demands. Even if the girl is from a poor family, it does not matter.” But I am not able to help them because these very poor families are very rare and their girls are at least graduates and try their best to raise the standard of their family. How can we help such boys?

2.Priests , cooks and hoteliers
Even one generation back , these were the chosen profession of many of the Brahmins. These professions are considered as untouchable grooms by the parents of the girls. Priests in cities earn nowadays lot of money but they spend their life alone. Some of them are nudged to take up bad habits like drinking , gambling etc due to this. Ofcourse the priests of villages especially the priests who do worship in temples are extremely poor. They struggle to get married. This is because not only should the girl agree to marry them but she should choose a very religious life. Very few girls agree to this.
Cooks and hoteliers is a fading profession of Brahmins. The few who are in this profession are sufficiently rich but the community in general looks down upon them. They find it extremely difficult o get brides.

3.Business people
Iyers essentially prefer white collared jobs.. They further prefer government servants. This is because , they are all from a poor background and are not willing to take any risk. This generation of Brahmins are trying their hand in business. Many of them succeed and some of them fail. This big class of people who earn lot of money and manage to live like princes , are another group of untouchable grooms. (I understand exactly the opposite is true among Nattu Kottai Chettiars , who do not prefer to marry employed people.). I have a friend who is running a very successful business. He has two sons , both of whom are M.B.A graduates. Both of them joined the father in his business. It is a real truth that both of them are not getting married.)

4.Handicapped people
It is but natural to expect a small percentage of the population to be handicapped. When people who are sufficiently rich and not handicapped are finding it difficult o get brides, it is not strange to note that these people do not get brides. A few days back , father of a doctor practicing in Delhi, who has a slight handicap contacted me. Ofcourse except pitying him, I could not help him.

5. One son-old parents group
Here is another strange group of matri capped boys. No girl is prepared to marry the son who does not have siblings and whose parents are old. They too are untouchable grooms. A generation ago all girls’ parents would have preferred him , because he would inherit all the wealth of his parents and the parents would be of great help in running the family. One girl , asked one of these boys recently, “Will the old people intend o live with you? If so , I am not interested.”

6. Boys who are above the age of 35.
Most of the girls get married(about 80%) of them between the age of 25-28. All of them insist that the age difference between them and their husbands should not be more than 4. So any boy who due to some reasons is not able to get married before the age of 32, finds it extremely difficult to get married. If they cross the age of 35, the chances of them getting married is about 10%

7.NRI grooms
About 10-15 years back NRI grooms were in heavy demand. But over years, girls have realized that life is not that rosy in those places. Most of them after marriage find it difficult to get jobs. Large number of them hate the lonely existence in their American homes, for most of the time. Apart from this is the fact that many cases of martial cruelty has been reported from grooms settled abroad.

7, Astrological matri cap
Boys with shuddha Jadagam according to astrology should marry only girls with shuddha Jadagam. The percentage of girls with shuddha jadagam is just half of the percentage of boys with shuddha jadagam . Apart from this is the fact that a girl with shuddha Jadagam can marry a boy with slight dosham. Just imagine a boy not able to get married because, he is not getting a bride , whose horoscope matches with him.
There are many more such matri capped grooms. As a society , it is high time that we all discuss and find some method for finding suitable girls to our sons. Recently an old man told me, “My son is asking me “Father , can you not find a girl for me?” and I am not in a position to answer him.
Many of us are not in a poison to answer our sons. Ramachander


hayyram said...

100% but v hv to find where is the problem. 1. parents are not teaching about our culture to childerns. 2. there is no teachers for our culture to insist for what marriages are important first. 3. girls are getting expecially freedom than boys in our society than other communities to show women liberation at their home. 4. childrens are not in parents controll after they get teenage. To rectify all those things we need a story teller like you and teach every one about our culture even door to door.


Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

Your views are very true. I am an unmarried person and I have crossed 31 years. My parents are trying to get me married off and the search have been for the past 4 years. Even though I earn handsomely and well off, I am being discarded, the girl and the girls side are very difficult to be satisfied. I am of the plans of getting married to a non brahmin girl and I am ashamed to be born as a brahmin. I am ready to get converted to other religion so that I am free from brahmin miseries.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

Your views are very true. I am an unmarried person and I have crossed 31 years. My parents are trying to get me married off and the search have been for the past 4 years. Even though I earn handsomely and well off, I am being discarded, the girl and the girls side are very difficult to be satisfied. I am of the plans of getting married to a non brahmin girl and I am ashamed to be born as a brahmin. I am ready to get converted to other religion so that I am free from brahmin miseries.

Tarun Elankath said...


I am sad to state that I belong to this dreaded "shuddha jadagam" category. I never knew nor ever cared about my horoscope in my life before, at-least not until my parents ran into a brick-wall with matrimonial's since every girl's family rejects my horoscope just on this basis. It's truly depressing.

I am an honest, successful and well-earning engineer. I can't believe that the post-graduate educated families in South India today still believe in this nonsense. Every element of technology, medical science and civilization today is built without a horoscope. But we still wish to stick to superstition.

I have reached the age of 30 years and the arranged marriage route has gone nowhere thanks to our ancestors who created and defined these nonsensical rules. (I would love to go back in time and give them a piece of my mind)

But..thanks for the informative post. Looks like a lot of people are facing the same problem.

dddd said...

I would request guys/girls/parents to think again if 'JATAKAM' was ever mentioned in Ramayana , Mahabharata, or any such Epics or old stories.

What If i say that this was a Business trick forced on to us just a 100 years ago. Astrolegrs of that time also skillfully tied it to the gods so that every religious person would be forced to follow it.

I am ok with Business, But this one just prevents marriages and makes people grow old and single against their will??

shan said...

All the information are really true. My brother 32yr old practicing as a Chartered accountant. His right leg is slightly short due polio problem at his age 5. He can do all activities normally independently. It is slightly deviation and not disability. We are searching suitable bride for him for more than 3years. But still not get success.

dddd said...

This is very true but just 6 comments?? Iyers never had a unified population group, land or occupation of their own.
They go work in different towns for different companies and they got split up. Their daughters don't see a lot of other Iyer boys as they grow up. Many Iyer girls went ahead with love marriages with other castes. Iyer boys don't look very masculine, they don't eat flesh or make muscles. Iyer girls started getting educated compared to the older generations and they excel in jobs and pays, so they expect much better boys who are hard to find. So the boys suffer. As there is less number of girls and more guys, its survival of the fittest men. Iyer is aminority and that too split up minority without any underlying country wide association or strong identity

Anonymous said...

Very true sir.

Anonymous said...

Hope its read by a girls parent

Anonymous said...

First of all, the fact that a person is Brahmin or not is not determined by birth but by his practice. A Brahmin is the one who studies and preaches vedhams and upanishads. In this definition itself the entire guys who assume themselves to be Brahmins should understand that they are not brahmins. Secondly, it's a saddening fact that the guys who think themselves as Brahmins involve in treating the other community people with a biased mind. Girls, May it be a girl who was born as a Brahmin or not, would have her own wishes and rights to choose her partner. If she is not ok with the so called Brahmin by birth concept, she can very well choose a guy of her choice. I don't get the closed mindset of dragging of the girl's parent in to this. We have a lot of examples of gods and goddesses falling in love and eventually getting married. Kindly grow up guys.